The Ambien Chef
The bed is turned down, the candles are extinguished and your body is hungry for rest. Time to ingest 10 mg of physician-prescribed zolpidem tartrate and retire to the sleeping chambers. Perhaps a specially prepared snack, informal and without ritual or ceremony, will aid you in your peaceful slumber. The Ambien Chef has a few convenient recipes to aid the tranquilized with creative food fusion.
Candied Ambien Apples
What you will need:
Leftover Halloween candy bars, an apple, chocolate chips, glass mixing bowl, knife, hammer, butter, cutting board
Directions:
Remove wrappers from the candy bars and begin eating them two at a time. Continue unwrapping as you chew and swallow, placing the uneaten candy bars in the bowl. If a moment of clarity strikes, or you are questioned by a snooping spouse who said they went to bed, like, an hour ago, hold the apple up and tell them/yourself you are making a healthy snack. Mash up the fun-size candy bars with the hammer and cutting board, then put them back in the bowl. Kit-Kats work the best but are your child’s favorite. Oh well… Pour all the chocolate chips into the bowl with the smashed up candy bars. Add the cube of butter and microwave on high for 40 seconds, stir it with your hand. Lick your hand clean, and then give the bowl another 40 seconds mixing the contents after. Now you can cut up the apple and dip it into the chocolate, or leave the apple where it is and dig the yummy mixture out of the bowl like Pooh Bear with a honey pot. Wash your hands, or don’t…
Pasta-out Chili
What you will need:
Pre-cooked pasta (spaghetti, linguini, fettuccine, macaroni, penne or rice), can of chili (or beans, or olives), cheese, plate, corn chips
Directions:
Place whatever you’re using for “pasta” on the plate. Place whatever you’re using for “chili” on the “pasta”. If you have grated cheese, spread it over your chili. If your cheese is in block form, mash the block into the center of your pasta and chili. Put it in the microwave on high for three (3) minutes. Eat the corn chips as you watch the plate turn in the microwave. Go to bed before the microwave timer reaches zero.
Pizza and Hot Dogs
What you will need:
Hot dogs or bologna, buns or bread, condiments, water, cooking pot, smart phone, cash, your address, rubber band
Directions:
Yell at your smart phone until it recognizes your voice and ask for “pizza delivery near me.” Call the first delivery option, order whatever “special” the pizza store’s operator suggests with everything on it. Give them your address. Set smart phone aside. Fill pot halfway with water, bring to boil. Drop in all the hot dogs you have. Go to your dwelling’s entryway with the cash and get comfortable on the floor with your arm hanging out the front door. Make sure you have enough cash for the pizza (and tip) secured to your hand with the rubber band. A good pizza delivery person will take the cash and lay the pizza by your arm without waking you up, but the rubber band should snap you awake. This is good because your hot dogs are probably done. Turn off the stove, put the hot dogs in buns with condiments and wrap the dressed hot dogs in the pizza slices–unless the “special” the pizza place sent you was wings, in which case, don’t attempt to eat while taking Ambien. Enjoy the rolled up pizza/hot dogs with whatever beverage that is near.
Ambien Oreos
What you will need:
Costco-size package of Oreos
Directions:
Eat all of those Oreos.
Surely one of these delightful dishes will be enough to send you off to bed with the comfort of a belly full of forgotten foraging. Will you be horrified at the mess in your kitchen upon waking? Almost certainly. But you cannot deny the delicious decadence of the night’s creations. Worry not about the sugar, salt, or wrappings ingested; if you do not remember, then it did not happen. The Ambien Chef wishes you both sweet and savory dreams.
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