Everybody is a Critic

I use my iPhone all the time. I realize it is annoying, I really do. I used to counter any complaints I got for my lack of attention or rudeness of not put down the device and engage other humans with the fact that I was constantly bringing in new data that would benefit the group. I was answering the very questions the group may have been talking about: “Which country does that flag belong to?” or “Did the Hardy Boys ever do a TV cross-over with The Incredible Hulk?” (The answers were Trinidad and no, respectively in case you were wondering.) Questions were answered immediately that only fifteen years ago would have taken 15 minutes and 20 years agotaken maybe three days and involved the Dewey Decimal System. Amazing, yet still annoying to have that kind of information available to gather anytime, anywhere.

One type of information now instantly accessible to all that started out as a good idea was the customer review. A customer like you or I can now sample a business, product or service and write a simple review of how well said business, product or service was received. Now another person could read that review and have additional criteria from which to judge the business, product or service and make a better informed decision on how to spend their hard earned cash. The best part is that ANYONE can write these reviews, meaning that the business owner, product maker or service provider needs to step it up because there are eyes everywhere with the ability to build or break the business, product or service provided. The worst part is that ANYONE can write these reviews, meaning that the business owner, product maker or service provider is now at the mercy of any clown with access to a keyboard and the cognitive ability to form sentences.

It used to be great. Places of business that have been reviewed online usually have stars (usually 1-5 with 5 being the best) by them to indicate how people have rated the establishment or service. I would skim how many stars different eateries received before deciding where to go to eat. Or how many stars a review of a hotel had before I booked a stay. Easy right? But it turns out that there’s more to it. I started looking deeper at these reviews. Upon closer inspection, one would find a shady underworld of terrible opinions and a lack of all reason and knowledge. You’ve heard that opinions cannot be wrong because they are the feelings of a person and feelings can’t be wrong. Well, it turns out that whoever said that was wrong too. Opinions on these review sites can be and are frequently wrong.

Here are a few fake reviews based on ones I’ve actually seen. I’m not going to post actual reviews, but I’m going to come shockingly close to the truth here. These are not reviews I personally have written for places but reviews I’m simply re-creating from what I’ve seen. Shall we start with hotels?

“We had the greatest stay that we have ever had at a hotel here. Complimentary massages for my wife and I, and a gorgeous view of the Pacific Ocean. We slept like logs and were very comfortable in our clean room with clean beds. I asked the clerk what kind of mattresses they use so that I can buy one for our house we were so comfortable!” Two out of five stars.

Yes, this happens. The reviewer apparently doesn’t have the heart to say why they gave the room two out of five stars. Maybe they figured they would be fair by writing a glowing review but making their discomfort heard by taking some stars off. Either way, I don’t know what to think. Also, I’m pretty sure you can’t see the Pacific Ocean from Denver.

“Room was fine I guess. Funeral.” One out of five stars.

Sorry you were there for a funeral. Also, I’m sorry you took the time to write a review saying the room was fine but used the travel site’s rating system to let the world know how bummed you are. For your next round of ineffective therapy might I suggest rating Netflix offerings based on how you feel you were treated in Junior High?

“This hotel has drugs everywhere!” One out of five stars.

Understandable

“This hotel has drugs everywhere!” Five out of Five stars.

Also understandable

“This hotel doesn’t allow bigger dogs! I heard from my friend that it did and it doesn’t! I was furious, but they kept telling me it was their policy and I couldn’t bring in my dogs! If I could give this hotel less than one star, I would!” One out of five stars.

So now a perfectly good hotel suffers because your friend doesn’t know the hotel’s pet policy and you are incapable of calling ahead? This happens all the time.

“Not the best place I’ve stayed. The room service wasn’t great and it smelled a little musty. I liked the soap though. The soap was really nice and they had two bars. I used one and took the other bar to my house to use when guests come over. THANKS FOR THE SOAP!” Five out of Five stars.

They really liked the soap.

“This hotel is the nastiest dump on I-70 and probably has an award to prove it. Every time I pass it though, I remember how my wife and I stayed there thirty years ago on our wedding night. By round three, I didn’t even care that we were being taped secretly by the manager. That hotel was the Four Seasons to us as we both lost our virtue there. We didn’t care how nasty the place was, it was where she became a woman and I a man. The only reason I’m giving it four out of five stars is that my wife is dead now and we can’t relive that fond memory. At least she can’t.” Four out of five stars

This kind of story is all too common in reviews. You get absolutely no information on what the place is like but terrible, terrible detail of everything you don’t want to know.

“This hotel has no door knobs.” One out of five stars.

I probably wrote that last one.

That is the kind of junk you encounter for hotels. If you skim by just star value, you aren’t getting the story. The same holds true for restaurant reviews, though these places are usually mom and pop places that get kicked around by the public’s lack of food knowledge. One recipe brought over from another country, protected and loved by generations could be skewered by some jerk with a blackberry because he ordered something he knew he was allergic to. Here’s a sample of very realistic restaurant reviews that you may see online.

“Yuck!” Three out of five stars

So eloquent and refined, using a single word to not explain why you knocked two stars off of a score that any normal person would associate with a failing single star.

“I love this place but I can never find a parking space because it is located on a street. I wish it was at the mall, but the food is awesome.” Two out of Five stars.

This is a common theme in these restaurant reviews. The excellent food is given a poor grade because the reviewer can’t find a parking spot. In reality there were probably several spots open, as their spouse probably pointed out, but the reviewer just doesn’t feel like parallel PARKING RIGHT NOW, OKAY?!?!

“This is where I caught my ex-wife practically administering CPR to my boss in broad daylight. You know what? I bet she wanted me to catch her too. She knows I love the duck here because it is the most authentic Szechuan in town and I get it on Wednesdays after racquetball. Ughhh! His hands were all over her. She doesn’t even like Szechuan! I was the one who introduced that restaurant to my boss in the first place! I can’t see this place anymore. I want it closed down.” Two out of five stars.

Probably wanted it to close down so he gave it a bad score but added a star in respect for how good the duck is/was (I hear the place is out of business now and will soon be either a Panera Bread or a Starbucks).

“Best Pizza in town. Period.” Three out of five stars.

This guy is either from New York or Chicago and the pizza joint isn’t in either of those places.

“Everybody told me this was the nicest restaurant in the city and I had reservations for a week to get in. Then they told me they don’t have a grilled cheese sandwich on the menu. I asked if they have bread and cheese and they said “yes”. So make me a GRILLED CHEESE SANDWICH! Sheesh! Nicest restaurant in town and I had to tell them how to cook a grilled cheese sandwich? When it came out, it totally sucked. The cheese was white and it was on French bread. My mom used to cut the crusts off for me, but you can’t cut the crust off of French bread because all of French bread is the crust. Me and Ricky are never coming back here again! Don’t go there! They can’t even cook the simplest sandwich in the world.” Five out of five stars.

This last one is typical of the types of reviews you see from people who just want their food made a certain way and don’t understand that food is made in different ways. Restaurants are lost on these folks but if they get a chance to review something and someone else will read it, by golly their incoherent ramblings will be heard! No rhythm or rhyme to how the stars fly either. Who is Ricky?

So if you’re in a new place and you’re looking to find a good place to stay or eat, unfortunately going online isn’t going to be much help. Perhaps you can gauge a little, but not if you’re dealing with the general public. You need to find a trusted source for such things if you go online. Lately I’ve just been asking people around town for advice and that tends to work. At least I can look in their eyes and see if they are crazy.

Unfortunately the general public can be trusted with very little. Bathrooms, hitchhiking, and now online open-forum reviewing have all been ruined by people who just don’t have enough self-control, and that’s the Damm truth.