Musicians Wanted
A friend of mine told me recently about a man that he knows who went through some dramatic struggles with a particularly maddening piece of the human condition. A very tragic, messy breakup can take even the brightest functioning person and turn them into a stupid, pathetic skin sack. This man was the victim of this kind of breakup. Not my friend understand, but the human male of my friend’s story. This poor guy was beaten about the head and neck by the baseball bat of unrequited, false love.
So the man did what many of us are guilty of and dusted off his old poetry and musical aspirations and decided to put a band together. The ad that he created to attract musicians to join him in this endeavor was, to be polite, ambitious to say the least. Even when you grade it on the curve of a mind thirsting for serotonin, this advertisement was so over the top, it would beat out that crappy Sly Stallone arm wrestling movie in any search engine’s results. It was an ad that touched on many of the depressingly tragic “musician wanted” ads that I have seen in my life of digging through papers and craigslist, and that is saying a great deal. I cannot hope to recreate how terribly perfect that ad was. None of what I have written below comes close, but it should give you a general idea of what kind of esoteric ego monster these ads are feeding.
A solid musician wanted ad should be quick and state all that is necessary to narrow the field down to what could amount to a phone call. It doesn’t need to be rich in detail or sell the reader a pack of dirty, filthy lies dressed as the answer to their rock star fantasies. It should read like this:
Bass player wanted
Bass player wanted for original rock band. Have good gear, enjoy all types of rock and roll. Call to see if it is a good fit.
On the phone, you can determine if the bass player is going to be the right person for the job or one of the many vacuously crispy freak flakes who inhabit the music world. There aren’t many ads placed like this.
Instead, you see ads that are put together by control freak band leaders. Worse still, an ad constructed at a “band meeting” with input from every member of the band, some dead serious, some funny, some trying to sound much, much cooler than they really are. Many ads go to great lengths to describe their sound using other bands. Sometimes it’s bands that they sound like. Other times it they use bands that they want to sound like. Maybe they just list bands to sound cool. I’m also convinced that some of the “influential bands” that are mentioned to describe the band’s sound don’t exist or are so obscure, that they might be referring to the advertisement of another band listed directly above the ad you’re reading… the ad for yet another group that is just forming.
I wish it wasn’t this dumb, but it is. Here are some samples of musician wanted ads that you may stumble across in local music publications.
Wanted for progressive rock project, one rhythm guitar player
No lead guitar skills are necessary. You should be a chameleon of rhythm guitar, making the root parts of the song come alive and masking the bass player’s mistakes (don’t worry, he’ll be gone once our PA speakers are paid off). Vocals are unnecessary unless you speak French, then they will be necessary for harmonies on a few Prog cover songs from France that we do from time to time. In addition to playing rhythm guitar, it would be great if you also played the piccolo for our “mini opera”. See our ad in this paper for “Part-time Prog Rock Piccolo Player” for more details. I would say our perfect candidate would be a cross between Steve Cropper, Dweezil Zappa, the dancing mannequin (with the guitar) from Robert Palmer’s “Addicted to Love” video, and somebody that knows how to play the piccolo. Share band expenses. If you have a rehearsal space or house, that would be a positive for your chances. Call Jesse and leave a message to have the other Jesse call you back after his shift.
This is a classic over-reach ad. First of all, progressive rock has a worldwide fan base that could all stand comfortably next to each other on a regulation basketball court. The ad is insulting, egotistical and apparent that this group would best be characterized as a train wreck. It set’s unnecessary boundaries for the potential band member that sharing musical duties and taking a few solos is off limits. The odds that a prog rock guitarist plays a mean piccolo are a little on the “no” side too. And of course you have the ever present mix of “what we’re looking for”. Steve Cropper, the legendary rhythm guitarist of Booker T and the MGs, mixed with Dweezil Zappa, son of eccentric musical genius Frank Zappa and any kind of guitarist but rhythm. Cross those two particular guitarists and you have Stevie Ray Vaughn, and unfortunately he doesn’t play much anymore. Oh, and have your checkbook open when we bring all of our gear to your house for your audition. Just let Jesse know when he can bring the speakers by… no, the other Jesse.
Band of musicians needed
Singer and songwriter need guitar, bass, drums, horn section, backup singers, dancers and road crew needed for possible tour starting next week. Extremely herb friendly. Knowledge of playing in the keys of A, E, G and C (one song). No flakes! Owning a tour bus is a plus. Venue booking experience appreciated. Will eventually be paying gigs after a trial period.
This ad was clearly put together while the person was high. The key here is to identify what drugs the person was on when the person formed the ad. This person plays no instrument but refers to themself a “singer and songwriter.” This immediately rules out that they are high on marijuana. Don’t be fooled by the cleverly coded phrase “extremely herb friendly” either. There are different reasons why one would want pot heads in the band. First and foremost to take advantage of their generally complacent demeanor, not necessarily to partake in the “herb” (herb is another street name for the illegal substance known as cannabis or marijuana for those of you that needed to look it up… like I did). The ad is delusional about the timeline of organizing a tour to anyone but a person wound up on a stimulant, yet practical in thinking up the details of a road crew and taking advantage of pot heads. However, a horn section, backup singers and dancers suggests they are into creative forms of stimulation and in tune with mild hallucinogenic ideas. They also have no plans to pay anyone and will steal all the proceeds for themselves. But why the specific keys?
My analysis: A mid-twenties account executive while listening to the Dave Matthews Band, with a blood alcohol level of .09, did a moderate dose of cocaine for their height/weight/neuro-system. They then called a friend who was home after a rave and coming down off of an accidental low dose of ecstasy. The account executive dictated the ad copy to the tired rave person who injected their own horn section and backup dancer touch into the ad and submitted it to the music paper’s website in the early morning hours of Sunday. The music keys were added to look “legit”. The ad is real, however both people who put it together wouldn’t know what you’re talking about if you called them to audition… which you wouldn’t, because this whole situation smells of trouble and has more red flags than a Chinese parade.
These are fun, let’s do some more.
Keyboardist needed
Putting together an album comprised of only the specific notes from a 2006 era Nokia ringtone. I’ll provide the phone, you provide the music and keys. Label interest.
Yes, this happens. And although I wrote this ad as a joke, being a collector of terrible music, I would kind of like to hear this done. I might post this ad for real next week.
Trumpet
Trumpet player wanted for hard rock project. AC/DC, Skinny Puppy, Gwar and the Carpenters. Shows lined up already.
Short and concise yet as baffling as any others you might see. I understand why someone would want a trumpet for a hard rock project, but three of the influences have nary a trumpet in the mix. And another common phenomenon you see in music classified ads is the “one of these things is not like the other” scenario. The Carpenters + Gwar + trumpet = ear candy. Literally put candy in your ears until you cannot hear what this abomination would sound like. Yeah, that band doesn’t have any shows either, at least the kind that you’d want to play.
Drums and screamer wanted for an industrial/experimental/metal band
All the drummers in this city for “induperimetal” bands are lame excuses for the kind of drum abuse we crave. Hoping you have the feet to blast beat quad kicks all night long and can scream some harmonies that will prove otherwise. Baritone scream would be better than tenor or bass. Must have broken a cymbal in the last 666 hours, have tattoos covering 30% of your skin’s surface area of death or the macabre and have a master’s degree in music composition and performance from an accredited music school. Ph. D. Preferred. Rehearsals are held only on religious holidays, nights of full moons and equinoxes. No drinking in rehearsals, some of us are recovering. Please respect the last rule as a “deal breaker” even if your bass drums can wake the dead, which would totally be a plus.
I have to admit, I went out looking at more musician-wanted ads and upped my game a bit to write this one. I found that my original ad for a heavy metal drummer was too close to reality and I needed to push it a little further into the absurd. You may think that I went too far, but please continue reading until I provide you with proof that I have not.
DEDICATED bass player needed ASAP!
Working cover band seeks DEDICATED bass player with WORKING CAR to transport their OWN GEAR to IMPORTANT GIGS. Should be a TEAM PLAYER and know how to PLAY IN TUNE and CHANGE KEYS when you see me NOD AT YOU the bar BEFORE you need to CHANGE KEYS and not THE BAR I nod at you. Do you think you can handle that? Because Leon sure as hell couldn’t. Give us a call and let’s jam man. Must like to have fun and play for the love of it. We aren’t too particular.
This is an example of an ad that you see posted as revenge or motivation. Those last three sentences are just bait.
whatever
Indie melodic music expression is looking for a guitarist or whatever. Do NOT know how to play it. Bring it to the next show and make it make noise that fits the rest of the sounds you hear us making. Must not make eye contact with anyone or anything. Know when to be loud, soft and melodic. Do not wear anything anyone else in the band is wearing unless you think it is ironic. Bands name is Whisper Mauve but don’t tell ANYONE ever. Influences are Blender, Goat, Barrel Rolling, Dog on a Metal Roof, Mary Scratching, Liquid Crash and Wings.
Oh, how many times did I sit through this band before playing in my band? How many times did I play between two of these bands? You’re free to guess but the answer is more than 100 and less than 300,000. This band is and has been the bane of songwriters for years. The urban street hipster made the band famous by accidentally watching the band fail and then not wanting to let anyone know they were wrong. It’s the perpetual lie that is told to the hipster and to the band that I refer to as the “circle of suck”. The “band” plays crap nobody would ever listen to and the hipster buys the album because nobody else has it. Then other hipsters secretly buy the album, making the band feel like what they are doing is important. The band charges more for their shows, so managers think they are getting big. Then the band goes mainstream because of hipster street cred and the masses buy the band’s albums thinking they are now part of the cool crowd. Now the original hipsters, seeing the band go mainstream can finally call the band what they really were in the first place, “crap”. For examples, see the bands Modest Mouse and Radiohead. Yeah, I said it, Radiohead. I know they suck because I have one of their albums. I’m listening to it RIGHT NOW.
By the way, the influences of the hipster band are not other influential bands, but noises they want to sound like, with the exception of Wings, which is on the list as a VERY ironic joke. …also the sound of flapping wings.
Now that you have read my fabrications of musician classified ads, I’m going to share with you a real one that appeared in the Seattle alternative newspaper known as The Stranger. I touched nothing. I only wanted to shield the writer a bit. I do hope they find what they are looking for and that you will respect their privacy. Honestly, this is the first ad I clicked on. I did not go looking for anything. Behold:
Keyboardist/Soundscape artist sought by an experimental rock band.
We are an organic, experimental rock band, seeking a keyboardist/soundscape artist, who will use atmospheres, samples, soundscapes and loops to augment and bolster our music, as well as creating harsh, piercing and haunting sounds with the keyboard.
You will be working alongside me to find and contribute source material via field recordings and sampled sounds from ordinary/everyday life, manipulated by software to produce new and odd sounds to weave into, out of, and around the music.
An avant-garde/industrial background is appreciated, but not entirely necessary. A willingness to adapt and learn works best.
Among a myriad of influences, the notable ones are: Swans, Black Flag, Neurosis, Big Black, SPK, Pigface, Jarboe, Diamanda Galas, The Body Lovers/Body Haters, Killing Joke, Laibach, Black Sabbath, Savage Republic, Throbbing Gristle, Head of David, Arsenal, Scorn, Coil, Autumn Fair, Birthday Party, Faust, Godflesh, Suicide, DNA, Mars, a mess of hardcore punk, No-Wave, post-punk and metal bands, and many more.
There are elements of many sub-genres of rock music in our material, as well as many non-rock influences. Based on this, I expect to build on a naturally evolving sound.
I ask that you have no drug habits or issues, and that you can transport yourself and your equipment to and from practice with ease. We have a practice that is in a secure facility with 24/7 access. We require that you are able to pay your portion of the rent.
I only wish I could have written this myself.
I also sincerely hope that this group finds what they need to produce exactly what they want to do and I hope it makes them happy. Seriously, because it is hard to define your art and find the right people to blend with you. Good luck and I hope you find someone.
I’ve had my own brushes with meeting musicians in this manner, none positive. Maybe one could be considered positive, but I did the answering and not the searching. Every time I was involved in seeking musicians through these music classified ads, at least one awful rehearsal made me hate music to the point of wishing to be struck deaf.
The band I was in several years ago lost a bass player to the Lord. He didn’t die, he just wanted to spend more time with God, which we were fine with and we are glad he is happy and loved playing music with him very much. That being said, we lost a third of the band and it was a tough hole to fill. So we put an ad in the paper and on the interwebs to start our search. The candidates were not what we were looking for, despite having been rather specific in the ad and on the phone about what we WERE looking for. I won’t take you through all the candidates, but I will take you through two.
Candidate One shows up late to the rehearsal carrying his bass guitar and what he was using for an amplifier. Usually amplifiers come in their own special boxes because they have specific sounds they have to create. They have a speaker or speakers built for volume and frequency and they have a power source that translates the electricity into volume, depending on how big the power source is. Amplifiers are incredibly important to a musician’s sound and some players search for decades before they find the right amplifier that has the tone and power they want and need to define their particular sound.
Candidate One’s amplifier consisted of two bookshelf speakers and a stereo receiver with a record player turntable on it. “It sounds good” said Candidate One.
No it didn’t.
Candidate Two comes in to our practice space with his bass and amp and sets up near us. He seems nice enough. Now my band at the time was an established group with a catalog of about twenty-five to thirty songs that are original and several well-known cover songs and a couple albums to our credit. We asked if he wanted to start with a cover song that he might know but instead he said he would prefer to dive right in to one of our original songs. So we give him the structure of the song and start playing it with him.
Well, it’s understandable to be all over the place on a song you don’t know, but when our guitarist and singer (the guy who wrote the song) started to try to correct the young man playing bass, the bass player just frowned and yelled over the clashing music, “yeah, I got it, I got it!” uncomfortable right? Not as uncomfortable as what happened next.
The kid turned up and began nodding at us that he was getting it and looking kind of excited. He was playing a lot of notes and only a few worked in the key we were in and none were at the same tempo as the guitarist and I. As he nodded and looked confident, the guitarist and I shook our heads at each other, completely under this kids ego spell and unable to stop playing our song while he played his. Then the bass player grabbed the microphone stand away from the guitarist, who was using it to sing, you know, a song this kid has never heard before.
The bass player doesn’t stop playing the bass but starts singing new words to the two different songs that are now being played at the same time. The look on the guitarists face was of complete shock and I could see that he was quite put out by what just happened, yet not put out enough to quit playing the song that the two of us were still playing. The guitar player just kept playing and singing THE ACTUAL SONG and the auditioning bass player just kept playing and singing whatever was going on in his troubled mind.
When the two songs ended (ours first and then the auditioning bass player’s song about a minute and a half later), the kid was completely chuffed. “That was awesome!” he said quietly but believing every word. He looked more surprised when we said he had to go than the singer did when the microphone was pulled from his face. I was afraid of how a kid with that much confidence would drive an automobile, just using any flat surface to get wherever he was going or trying to routinely jump a draw bridge. That kid is either in jail now or dead.
We ended up finding the perfect bass player in the music shop where I worked and she became an incredibly important part of our band. She could really play and never plugged in to a home stereo unit for amplification. Not. Once.
I realize this may have been less than interesting to many of you, but I felt I owed it to myself to talk some of this out of my system. It’s a little music geeky to make fun of these ads, but they do sometimes serve the purpose for which they are written. If these ads show us anything, it is that music is incredibly emotionally charged. Looking for a partnership to create an artistic vision is spectacularly difficult to relate in words on a page and possibly harder to do without making a complete fool out of yourself, me included. I am not exempt here. The ad we put in for a bass player was probably just a dorky as the ones I made up today.
So when a musician mentions that they are having a tough time finding someone to play with, pity them. Run through your mental rolodex of musician friends and try to set this poor soul up on a musical blind date. It’s very hard to find an audio match with another player but when it happens… it is magical and that’s the Damm truth.