Snow (and Merry Christmas)
The following blog post will have several slight exaggerations regarding human behavior and references to specific groups of people making use of stereotypes and regions of the Pacific Northwest. If you choose to continue reading and take umbrage with my statements, either find a way to deal with your disappointment in an introverted way, or take comfort in knowing that I am correct and accept the reality that you are not. I don’t anticipate there being an issue though, so you’re probably safe to read on.
It snowed yesterday, not like it does in disaster films or cartoons, but the way you have always wanted it to snow. It snowed perfectly. The sky was overcast but bright, and began releasing cold, dry flakes that fell rapidly but built to a satisfactory volume. It was as if the weather wanted everyone to be aware of what was happening before the air became too thick with the falling crystals. Then it was snowing as hard as it was in the final scenes of It’s a Wonderful Life, not the part where George jumps into the river to save Clarence, but when Bert the cop finally finds George on the bridge and George threatens the safety of an armed officer, the same officer who may/or may not have taken a couple shots at him on a crowded street for simply not stopping when the officer said to stop. (Did anybody else think that was a bit irresponsible of Bert?) THAT amount of snow, or the amount of snow that appears when Bill Murray and Andie McDowell dance for the first time in the gazebo to Ray Charles in Groundhog Day, in my not-so-humble opinion is the perfect amount of snow.
It even snowed the perfect amount, which is three inches. This is extremely rare, as snow usually falls in depths of 2, 4, 6 inches or three feet. Three inches of snow, though rare, is perfect. Three inches is of dry powder is perfect for skiers making the first run on an un-groomed hill. Sledding is perfect on tamped down snow and unencumbered by three inches of fresh snow. Snowpersons are of a healthy shape when packed with exactly three inches of rolled, slightly wet snow. Pine trees look perfectly flocked with slightly more than two, but slightly less than four inches of snow. It is also rumored that Santa and his eight to nine reindeer believe that 3 inches of snow is the preferred amount for takeoff and landing of a sleigh full of toys (and coal, we all know it’s in there).
As beautiful as snow is at my parent’s house on the East side of the cascades, West of the mountains in Seattle, 3 inches of snow would or will cause a pandemonium equal to or greater than the events documented in the final chapters of the bible.
Three inches of snow in the Seattle Metro area creates a hysteria and panic that would make people question reality. Three inches of snow will actually melt IQs of absolutely brilliant people into that of the dumbest members of a Neanderthal clan. Nowhere in Seattle and surrounding areas is this more apparent than on the roadways.
To be fair, Seattle is built on some pretty wicked hills and has twisting roadways that could only have been designed to keep mass transit trains and trollies out of town (look it up, it’s fascinating). Seattle is not built to function with ANY amount of snow and ice. I ended that sentence with a period because that is the final word on the thought. This period is also where the fairness to Seattle drivers ends.
People of Seattle, here my plea. When there is snow or ice on the roadway, just don’t move. Stand still, shut up, and wait for the ALL CLEAR signal. None of you, NONE OF YOU, SERIOUSLY NONE OF YOU are capable of walking on ice let alone operating a motor vehicle. When it snows or there is freezing rain, every single one of you is a danger to yourself and everyone around you. It’s not your fault. Your hipster, brainy and overconfident demeanor that fits you so well the rest of the year really does you a disservice in the winter. Please understand that I am sacrificing great personal joy in the entertainment value of the spectacle you will create by giving you this warning. I love talking about and watching your dumb snow driving on the interwebs. I am willing to give all of that up, if you all agree to not be stupid the next time it snows. Search youtube.com for videos of Seattle winter drivers. Make popcorn, it’s awesome entertainment.
The first thing that leaves the brain-works of a Seattle driver is any idea of remedial physics. Mass, speed, weight, force, gravity or transference of energy do not have to be studied for the mind to be fully aware of their existence. This basic awareness of motion around the Seattle driver gradually leaves the operating system of a human as more and more snow falls. I’ve witnessed very smart people not understand that if they make their car move forward and they apply the brakes while the car is on ice, the car will continue to move until the car want’s to stop or is stopped by something bigger. Usually the person gets lucky and the car stops without incident. Immediately, the person tries the same action again and expects a different outcome. People have referred to this as the definition of insanity. I just think it’s a case of the stupids.
It doesn’t matter what you drive either. I will say that I see more people get into trouble in Seattle with SUVs and Four-Wheel-Drives. With these guys, it is absolutely a false sense of confidence that gets them into the most trouble. I worked downtown in a building that overlooked a particularly steep hill that leveled out into a rather busy intersection. At the top of the hill, the police had wisely set up a barrier so that no driver would attempt to go down the road of perfectly Zambonied ice.
We were positioned to be able to watch moron after moron attempt to drive down the hill, endangering the lives and property of anything between the top of the hill and the two blocks of poor suckers either walking or parked on the steep grade.
First up was a moron in a Range Rover. Not every owner of the $80,000 vehicle is as dumb as the person on this particular occasion, but I would imagine that if I paid that much for a car known for off-roading, I too would feel a surge of overconfidence.
As the person, not saying if it was a man of a woman, got out of the car to survey the road and to physically push the large police blockade out of the way so they could take a run at the Olympic level luge course in a 4500+ pound sled, the crowd at our window were all yelling things that would have been ignored even if the driver could hear them. Blockade out of the way, the Range Rover goosed the accelerator slightly to take the hill nice and easy.
Anyone watching this play out, would have equated this with attempting to drive over a river of lava. There was ZERO chance of success, ZERO. The driver would have had a better chance of opening the doors, laying them flat and trying to fly the Range Rover. And yet, hear we are, watching someone smart enough to get themselves into an $80,000 automobile attempting the impossible.
When Mean Mr. Gravity finally had the Range Rover in his clutches, he immediately turned the vehicle around so that any false sense of control that the driver may have had probably promptly exited out of their pants when they realized that there was a particularly unforgiving traffic light with a heavy volume of slightly less dumb drivers about to cross their path.
When the Range Rover started to pick up speed despite the driver attempting to accelerate in the opposite direction, most of us looked away. Wrecks are interesting but nobody wants to see a fatality. Somehow the Range Rover got stopped at the bottom of the hill… just in time for the sedan that didn’t see the blockade at the top of the hill to slam into the Range Rover sideways. I don’t blame the sedan, though if they knew Seattle, they should have known better than attempt that hill.
Fast forward several hours and there were no fewer than 8 abandoned cars at the bottom of the hill. Abandoned. Just left there at the bottom of a nasty hill to be collected sometime later. These cars had all been bashed up and had hit several other cars that were parked innocently along the street by people smart enough to not be driving, but unfortunate enough to live in Seattle during winter.
It’s like this all over the city, people just losing their minds. Folks getting out of their cars on the Freeway and walking away from them as if they just realized that driving maybe wasn’t for them and they wouldn’t be needing their car anymore. Like someone who tried tennis for an afternoon and might just leave their racket and tube of balls at the club for whoever else may need them, because they were through. Only this was with cars, and not one or two, I remember several snow “storms” where we would see dozens, maybe even hundreds of cars left in every lane of the Freeway.
SUV, Pickup, Subaru owners (of which I have a Forester), these rules apply to us as well. Seattle is not to be toyed with in the winter. Those friends of mine who truly know how to drive in the snow, know enough to not risk driving in the snow in Seattle. If your route has just one hill, then you are sunk. Your cars are not magic. They aren’t. THEY AREN’T… and neither are you.
And the media, OH THE MEDIA! SNOWMAGGEDON! SNOWPOCALYPSE! SNOWAPALOOZA! These are not words that should exist, and yet I know them. How? Because the news cannot wait to overhype snow in Seattle. The only thing the media should say when it starts to snow to the people of Seattle is: “People of Seattle, several hundred invisible alligators have escaped into the streets of Seattle and you should stay in your homes until they are all caught. The alligators have rabies and there are raccoons and rattlesnakes taped to their bodies and they are also invisible.” This would be far more effective at keeping people off the impossible Seattle roads in a snowstorm.
But tonight, I will look out the window of this generally flat area where I am currently staying and enjoy the beauty of fluffy, powdery white landscape blanket that makes winter in this latitude so amazing. The snow has made this Christmas Eve, once again, a romantic dream of a holiday. I hope all of you that celebrate Christmas have a wonderful one, and that’s the Damm truth.