Resolutions

As a human, I am a failure.  Every one of us is.  Name one human that has successfully lived forever.  There, see?  Everyone has failed at something, and I am a very successful failure. 

Every year about this time, people set themselves up for failure.  I’m speaking of course about New Year’s Resolutions. 

(I promised myself I wouldn’t write about ordinary topics this last year, seriously.  It appears I will be failing at this just under the wire.  #successfulfailure)

But this year, I have decided to set myself up for failure monumentally and in some instances, success.  If I do this with forethought, and I fail at all of these things this year, then I will ironically (actual irony, not Morissette irony) be successful. 

Let’s just jump into my resolutions for 2013!

1. I resolve to solve the JFK, RFK and MLK assassinations before 12/31/2013.  JFK was killed by Marylin Monroe in the Billiards room with the candlestick, RFK by the Boyscouts of America (two were Eagle Scouts) and MLK is still alive.
2. I resolve to start smoking 3 packs of unfiltered cigarettes per day starting today.  Where does one purchase cigarettes?
3. As of this WORD, I resolve to no longer post anymore blog entries with grammer, spelling or punctushun errers
4. I resolve in 2013 to spend a little more time with my family on the surface of the moon.  (I know it is expensive)
5. I resolve to lose at least 20 pounds.  Crud.
6. Within the year, I resolve to read one Danielle Steel novel… (This isn’t even funny to me.  You could tell me that I would cure cancer by reading one, and I don’t think I could bring myself to do it.  I have nothing against her books, they may be fascinating, but I will never know.  Sorry cancer patients.)
7. 2013 is the year for me to have an extra marital affair with someone from either sex.  Whatever, I’m excepting resumes for my wife and I to review.  Just send them to my wife, she’ll have final say.  I’m not in a big hurry to get started on this one to tell you the truth.  You’ve heard of win/win?  This is fail/fail.  I won’t do it, or if I do, I will fail to like or be good at it.
8. I resolve to not judge anyone this year.
9. I resolve to not make any jokes at someone else’s expense.
10. I resolve to buy a very nice BMW.
11. I resolve to buy and hide a monkey from my family for a whole year before euthanizing it.
12. In 2013, I hearby resolve to learn the bagpipes and play them outside my office each morning facing Dublin Ireland, the land of someone’s ancestors.
13. I plan on finding Lindsay Lohan, or some equally troubled Hollywood star constantly in the news(nah, just Lindsay Lohan), sitting her down and convincing Lindsay to buy a house in Nebraska and to take a job in a cubicle somewhere away from the never ending cocaine and unfortunate-street-crossing-pedestrians.  I will take them away and teach them how to file papers and send emails to co-workers about forecasting reports.  I will teach her to wake up in the morning and go to work every day despite having to sit through a meeting with Delores every Thursday at 8:30 while she explains why it is important to not wear open-toed shoes in the workplace.  I will teach her how to shop with coupons and how to not fight anyone at a bar ever.  I will probably just teach her to stay away from the bar.  She will learn to never call anyone from her old life again.  Lindsay Lohan will just become “That Girl in Accounts Receivable that Always Wears Interesting Socks,” or “That Girl in Accounts Receivable that Always Wears Interesting Socks and I’m Thinking of Asking Out.”  Nobody will ever speak about her on the news again.  She will stay out of the limelight, out of the gossip and out of trouble.  Lindsay will live to the ripe old cocaine-riddled-heart age of 57 and we, the people will never have to think of her tragic life ever again.  Everybody wins.
14. Same as 13 only with Honey Boo Boo.  Replace “cocaine” with “sugar/Mountain Dew” and “unfortunate-street-crossing-pedestrians” with “Honey Boo Boo’s own family.”
15. I resolve to skydive this year.
16. 2013 will be known as the year Steve Damm went back to The Old Country Buffet.
17. Resolution number 17 is too personal to print.
18. Upon reading this, know with utter certainty that in 2013, that I will no longer be blogging in 2013.
19. I will only have 19 resolutions for 2013.
20. I resolve to write only blogs EVERYONE will like.  I will start by switching this to a political blog and writing only my opinions and not giving anyone a chance to write theirs.  I resolve to single people out on the blog and make them cry because I’m mean.  I’m a mean, mean, meanie and you are about to find out, and you will like it.  Everyone will because that’s my resolution.
21. I’m going to rob one bank a month.  Blood bank, food bank ditch bank, whatever, if you’re a bank and we are in a month, you might get robbed.  That’s 13 banks if you’re counting.
22. I swear to spend less time on the Facebook.
23. In 2013, I will apologize less.  I’m sorry, but it had to be said.  I have a tendency to feel remorse and responsible for negative actions of others that I have no control over and I’m sorry, but that’s how I feel. 
24. I resolve to stop using my tag line “and that’s the Damm truth,” because I realize how tired it is becoming.  I know people don’t care for it, so it has to go.  Never mind that I’m not-so-cleverly taking a moniker that sounds like a swear word and turning it into a little joke that let’s everyone know that I have a sense of humor about it, and “HEY! Don’t bother making a joke about my name, because I’ve heard it before and I took the liberty of letting you know I have by making the same kind of joke for you and…oh, you did it anyway…thanks.”
25. New Year’s Resolution number 25 is to collect all the Cabbage Patch Kid memorabilia I can and donate it to a hospital for chronically ugly babies.  Ugly babies should have ugly baby dolls so they feel just like you and me.  (If you think I’m being hurtful toward ugly babies, it means you are thinking of an ugly baby right now.  That means you have judged a baby on their physical appearance.  This is just a joke New Year’s resolution not aimed at any baby at all, but if this made you a little mad, it’s only at yourself, for knowing such an ugly, ugly baby.)

I don’t know about you, but I think this plan is fool proof.  I can fail all of these miserably, though I will try to achieve/break that weight one.  That would make me an even bigger failure than what I hoped to accomplish, which makes me excited to see how successful I am at failing. 

It’s the end of the year, the beginning of a new one and I hope you find what you’re looking for in 2013, and that’s the Damm truth.