Steve Damm, the Interview

A woman not too far away has trouble disengaging her telephone, providing distraction for a moment as I get comfortable with my interview subject. He sits across from me, casually answering email on his phone until I clear my throat to get his attention. Without looking up, his fingers speed up as they tap the glass of his iPhone 4, “Sorry. Work,” he says as he finished sending, and then jammed his phone in his pocket. A wide smile cuts across his face as he leans into me, giving me his complete attention, “Now then, what do you REALLY want to know about me?”

This is one of the very few interviews I have ever done. I’m vaguely familiar with the style and the rhythm of give and take, but that isn’t what is bothering me. What makes me uncomfortable is that I have accepted an assignment to interview myself and it appears that neither of us knows how to start.

I introduce myself as Steven Damm. He introduces himself as just “Steve.” I awkwardly extend my hand to shake his, but it is extremely awkward because Steve is using his left hand to shake my right and the hand is upside down. His handshake isn’t very firm and if my hand wasn’t so small, it would notice that Steve’s is almost certainly the slightest bit smaller.

Steven: Thank you for coming.

Steve: That’s ridiculous. It’s a ridiculous thing to say. We’re off to a bad start. Start over.

Steven: Okay, I was just trying to be polite, what would you have me ask first?

Steve: Dude, I don’t know. You asked to interview me for some reason. I’m happy to oblige, but don’t make us look stupid by thanking me for being here when we’re the same person and I would be with you anywhere. That was ridiculous.

Steven: Fair enough. I thought it would be a good idea to give people that read your blog a sense of who they are reading; the Damm truth about the Damm truth if you will. How does that sound?

Steve: It sounds not terribly clever and your wife is going to hate it.

Steven: No she won’t.

Steve: She’s going to hate it.

Steven: I really don’t think she will.

Steve: Dude…

Steven: She might… she might not think it’s my best, but she won’t hate it.

Steve: Well, this is already terrible, anyone still reading is probably just doing so out of politeness and…

Steven: That will be enough of that.

Both of us adjust in our chairs. I’m determined to get a decent interview out of my subject despite whatever he is trying to do. I see him put his hand back in his phone pocket and I know he is about to disengage unless I do something drastic.

Steven: Have you ever killed someone?

Steve: BOOM! Now we’re talking! That is an incredibly bold and dangerous question.

Steven: A question you dodged. Will you answer it please?

Steve: No, I haven’t killed anyone, not that I know of.

Steven: What do you mean, not that you know of? How could you not know?

Steve: I don’t know, hypnosis maybe? You’re a pretty bad driver, I can imagine a scenario where you drive through a red light, completely clueless and cause some major accident behind you where someone dies. You wouldn’t know because you never check your mirrors.

Steven: I’m a terrible driver? Me? You’re the terrible driver, with your constant fiddling with the music and searching the backseat for a tissue. I use my mirrors all the time. I haven’t caused any accidents.

Steve: That you know of.

Steven: You’re determined to get the last word, aren’t you?

Steve: Well, it is MY interview, isn’t it?

Steven: And so it is. So tell me, now that we’re back on track, what do you like most about blogging?

Steve: Probably the money.

Steven: Um, you don’t make any money blogging.

Steve: People can make tons of money blogging, ever hear of Perez Hilton? That’s all he does and he makes serious dough.

Steven: I understand he does, but YOU don’t, I have the same bank account as you do and I know you’re not making any money off of blogging.

Steve: I don’t use a bank. I bury all the money I get from blogging in an undisclosed location using an airtight canister.

Steven: Now who’s being ridiculous?!?! I’m with you 24/7 and I have never seen you receive a single dollar for blogging and that means there is no money to bury.

Steve: GREAT! I was trying to help you out and make it appear that this is a successful blog that makes money so more people would come check it out. Now nobody is coming, and it’s your fault Steven.

Steven: Don’t call me Steven, it’s weird. And remember that this blog is called the Damm TRUTH, not the Damm Pack Of Lies. By the way, looking at you, your posture is terrible.

Steve: By the way, so is yours.

Steven: Okay, let’s try this again. What do you like most about blogging?

Steve: The chicks.

Steven: What do you like most about blogging?

Steve: The drugs.

Steven: What do you like most about blogging? I can do this all day.

Steve: The Hollywood parties. I too can do this all day. Stop asking lame questions.

Steven: You are kind of a jerk today. Did you take your meds?

Steve: I didn’t. Did you take YOUR meds, smarty pants?

Steven: Yes I did, so focus. What is something new you would like to do with your blog?

Steve: Well, I really only post this one time a week and it would be great if I could only do this and not have to worry about anything else?

Steven: You think you could keep up the pace of doing an all copy and no pictures blog for several days a week? I watched you trying to come up with ideas to write about in the last week and it was pretty sad.

Steve: Yeah, I think I could keep up. My fingers are in shape from all the emails I type for work. I think removing such a big block of time would help me find my inspiration. Would I be like the canary that when let out of the cage, just stands on top of it and does not fly off into the world? No. I would be like the snail in the jar. When the lid comes off, I will cling to the side until my liberator knocks me off the glass with a stick and then I tumble to the grassy ground and slowly move forward.

Steven: That’s a terrible analogy.

Steve: Did you understand it?

Steven: Yes.

Steve: Then it was just fine. Now let me ask YOU a question. Why do YOU get to interview me and I don’t get to interview YOU?

Steven: Because it doesn’t make any difference.

Steve: Well if it doesn’t make any difference, why not let me drive this thing?

Steven: That’s fine by me, I’m not getting anywhere anyway. Oh, and if you’re driving, there are tissues on the front seat and don’t bother with the music.

Steve: Funny. Okay, here’s my first question. Why aren’t you funny?

Steven: You just said I was funny.

Steve: No, I was being facetious. I really want to know why you aren’t funny?

Steven: Many people think I’m funny.

Steve: Your wife and your mom aren’t “many people.” How come you aren’t ever funny when I’m around, which is all the time? You haven’t been funny this entire interview. I’ve had to carry this piece.

Steven: I’m not even going to answer this.

Steve: Because you’re not funny.

Steven: Still not answering.

Steve: Not a question, it was a statement, “Because you are not funny.”

Steven: Okay so do you feel your blog is impacting anyone’s life in a positive way?

Steve: Uh, I’m asking the questions now, it’s my interview.

Steven: …fine.

Steve: Do you feel your blog is impacting anyone’s life in a positive way?

Steven: I used to think so. Now, I’m not so sure.

Steve: It’s not. Are there any posts you would like to remove?

Steven: I don’t think I would, but the Independence Day one seemed to rub people the wrong way. Like, a lot.

Steve: It sure did. You should take it down.

Steven: Well, I’m not going to.

Steve: What do you normally eat when you blog?

Steven: I don’t normally eat when I blog. I drink a bunch of unsweetened sodas, but that’s about it.

Steve: Didn’t you just have a plate of nachos as you began to blog tonight?

Steven: Yes, but it was a small plate and I don’t normally do that.

Steve: Sure you don’t.

Steven: I don’t! Really!

Steve: Did you go to the gym today?

Steven: I don’t understand how this is even relevant.

Steve: WHY didn’t you go to the gym today?

Steven: I still have a bit of a cold, so I didn’t go.

Steve: Hey, you know what I heard is good for a cold?

Steven: What’s that?

Steve: Small plate of nachos.

Steven: uh huh, I think we’re done.

Steve: Ahhh come on, I was just about to ask you about your favorite blog post and what kind of tree you would be.

Steven: We’re definitely done here.

Steve: Now we are.

Steven: Last word?

Steve: Yep.

Not one of the best interviews ever done, but hopefully you have a little more insight into the mind that creates this blog. I feel like I must apologize for the lack of any real information. I think a psychologist may be able to read between the lines and determine if the author needs to go away for a while.

Thank you for reading, and if any of you have a question you would like me to answer, please just leave it in the comments or drop me a line at contact@thedammtruth.com . I’m not sure if that email address works and that’s the Damm truth.