Being a Better Boyfriend

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Disclaimer:  I’m not in trouble with my partner…  that I know of.  This piece was written in honest self-reflection and not at all forced on me to write.  If anything, this post will probably be looked at as a sad attempt to butter up Wendy, my wife.  This isn’t either.  It’s a skull and crossbones warning that some must heed, lest they lose what was once dearest to them.  (That last sentence is fun to read in a pirate voice).

One of the many truths about marriage that isn’t discussed much in the “romantic” period of a relationship is that the marriage bond takes regular maintenance.  Perhaps it isn’t spoken to very often because it isn’t sexy.   Whatever the reason we avoid the issue, the bottom line is always there that if you get married, and wish to stay so happily, you need to show up ready to roll up your sleeves and work.  The skillset needed for this task is huge, and you don’t have it—you don’t.

I shouldn’t say you don’t.  That isn’t fair.  Deep down inside, you have the skillset to make your marriage work…probably.  A better way to state this would be to say that learning how to make your marriage or partnership work is an ongoing experiment, where keeping your eyes and more importantly your ears open can make every difference.

(Full disclosure: I am not an expert at maintaining a happy marriage.  Reading this will not solve your romantic partnership issues.  This piece should be viewed as a novelty only.)

As a husband, I would grade myself as a solid “B+,” which means I’m probably floating somewhere between “C-“ and “C.”  Not terribly impressive but not necessarily below average either, I pride myself on getting a few things very right, but acknowledge that I continuously fail time after time at some aspects.  This wasn’t always the case though.  As a boyfriend to my future wife, I was pretty good…for a while.  So I began to suspect that what I have missing as a husband could be found in our past from when I was just a boyfriend.  Perhaps if I combine the best of the husband/boyfriend roles, I could raise my grade from a shaky “C” to the firm “B+” that I delude myself into believing I already am.

As a boyfriend, I was attentive, interested, a great listener and a supportive partner.  I appreciated every moment I could be with Wendy and worked hard to do things to surprise, impress or nurture whatever idea she was excited about.   Attention to detail and the ability to process and act upon that detail in a positive way to complete the “good boyfriend” circuit was an easier task because the relationship was new and interesting.

The husband of ten years in me has a much harder time completing this important circuit.  Many days I don’t even know where the switch for the circuit is, so I’m definitely not flipping it.  Over time, being a husband has led me to a life of an emotionally lazy partner.  I have traded evenings of hand holding and star gazing for nights of falling asleep in front of a DVD we’ve seen a half dozen times (or six dozen times in the case of Fifth Element).  Not very romantic is it?

What would boyfriend Steve do?  This is my new mantra.  I’m thinking of having “WWBS” bracelets made up as a reminder to me (and others for $3.99, proceeds going to the Better Boyfriend Foundation) that I need to step up my game.  This mantra is helping me face the hard truths about my ability to be a desirable romantic partner.  We start with the honest assessment of who I am as a mate.

I have become what my wife would not marry if she were to have her memory wiped and then was given the choice.  That may be the new standard: Would your partner choose to re-couple with you if they were to have their memory erased?  To be more reasonable, would they choose to be with you again after a memory wipe and two mandatory dates?  Don’t laugh at the idea of amnesia.  It happens all the time on Days of Our Lives and General Hospital, and I’ve seen it turn red-hot lovers into perfect strangers in a single Sweeps Week episode.

This situation is usually MUCH more serious than any of us lousy partners believe.  There are people out there that want, and are prepared to fight for, what you lazily believe is yours forever.  I know this because I was one of them—was.  They’re predators, and they are just doing what predators do, it isn’t THEIR fault if they woo your partner away.  It’s YOUR fault for not being attentive enough.

Still don’t believe me?  You know that conversation about your partner’s work that you were barely listening to?  The predator is taking notes and offering insight.   The book that your partner wants to read with you and discuss?  The predator has read it already.  Your partner keeps asking you to join them at the gym but you would rather golf?  The predator is at the gym ALL DAY LONG.  The predator use to be a trainer.  The predator can balance a dozen eggs in the indentations outlining the predator’s abdominal muscles; a feat you have never accomplished (Unless you’re the guy I work next too.  Wendy isn’t allowed to meet him).

Unfortunately, THAT is the state of affairs in a great many relationships.   Can we do better?  I believe that I can, and that’s the only person I’m in charge of.  I have taken the first step and admitted that I have a problem.  I’m a lazy husband and I take my friendship with my wife for granted.  Apparently knowing is half the battle, but this isn’t a battle.  This is a search and rescue operation: Find the loving and attentive boyfriend, last seen with a fat, balding and disrespectful husband. 

Rescuing the better boyfriend part of you has to start with YOU, as it did with me.  If you aren’t in a healthy place and have made yourself into the person you need to be then make that your first priority.  You can’t take care of your partner’s needs properly until you have taken care of yourself first.  It just isn’t as effective. 

I had to start by turning that fat, balding and disrespectful man into a less-fat, balding and respectful man.  I went to the doctor, I went to counselors, I adjusted my diet and exercise and I re-worked my medication.  The counselors and medication piece was a very large piece of the get-healthy puzzle.  Counselors gave me a new perspective and the tools to communicate more effectively.  But it was fixing my medication and dosages, trying something new and having the patience to make sure it was right that really shifted the balance.  I had been taking the same medication that I believed was helping me as much as I could be helped.  That’s a trap that too many of us with mental issues fall into.  Finding a much more effective balance of medication has given me the will and focus to carry on with my search for the boyfriend my wife deserves. 

With those things in place, I was able to waddle my butt to the gym more confidently, pass on foods that weren’t good for me, and resist other behaviors that my wife finds unpleasant (there’s a few).  I acknowledge that the health thing wasn’t all to impress my wife.  It turns out that I selfishly would like to live to see my fiftieth birthday.  But it was these tools that gave me a chance to focus on something I suspected existed, but didn’t lookout for: Wendy’s needs.

Over the years I have exchanged Wendy’s wants and needs for what I BELIEVED Wendy wanted and needed.  I wasn’t consciously forcing what I wanted her to do onto her, that’s not what I mean.  What I mean is, when Wendy needs something, I respond to her but not the way she needs me to respond.  Instead, I respond the way I THINK she would want me to—or not at all, skipping the all-important communication that could have told me different. 

Scenario:  Wendy is stressed after a long day of difficult meetings and sitting in traffic for an hour.

Husband Steve responds with chocolate.

Boyfriend Steve would have responded by asking Wendy what she needed, which in her case was a few miles of jogging to release the stress and feel good about herself.  Boyfriend Steve would have anticipated that and had her running clothes cleaned and ready to go with a sports bottle full of water and a new iPod mix for Wendy to run to.  While she’s out running, boyfriend Steve has scrubbed the bathtub and drawn a hot bath with scented salts he picked up at the mall earlier in the day.  Boyfriend Steve is prepared to wash Wendy’s hair and rub her feet while she soaks without implying any naughty business or groping around.  Boyfriend Steve has no expectations. 

Husband Steve offers to throw some pasta in a pot and prepare an evening meal of …pasta.

Boyfriend Steve downloaded a new vegetarian enchilada recipe and is rolling the tortillas himself.  Wendy is surprised by all the ingredients boyfriend Steve picked up to make the meal just right.  Boyfriend Steve cleans the kitchen after dinner. 

Husband Steve gets most of the stuff in the dishwasher and leaves the pasta pot in the sink to “soak”.

Boyfriend Steve has run and folded a load of laundry complete with warm, fabric softened pajamas laid out neatly on the bed that boyfriend Steve made that morning. 

Husband Steve figures he has three more days of clean underwear before he has to buy new underwear.

Boyfriend Steve reads one of Wendy’s books to her for half an hour.  Then boyfriend Steve takes Wendy’s glasses off of her face after she falls asleep. 

Husband Steve is in bed before Wendy, has selected a Star Wars movie and is almost asleep by the time Wendy finds her pajamas and makes it to bed.  Wendy asks Steve if she can fall asleep first because husband Steve snores and it keeps her awake.  Husband Steve agrees to stay awake, farts, then falls asleep.

Now, at the risk of being the slightest bit crude, tell me which Steve is the asshole? 

If you said boyfriend Steve, you may have done so because he’s doing the right thing and it makes you feel guilty, look bad or both.  You’re angry at boyfriend Steve because he’s ruining the bell curve.  You have work to do my friend, and you’re beyond my ability to help. As I stated before, I suck at this too. 

If you felt that husband Steve was indeed the asshole, you are correct.  It doesn’t mean that you’re a good partner; it just means that you can recognize right from wrong and understand which side it would be favorable to be on.  There’s hope for you as there is for me, in building a stronger bond through doing nice things for your mate that they would appreciate.

I’m not anywhere near my goal of being a better boyfriend for my wife.  It’s a daily climb back to the top of the desirable boyfriend pile.  The past year or so has been better (not that it was bad), with me shifting focus off of my selfish desires and working on making my wife’s life better.  Life has been pretty great, and my wife has reciprocated by doing the same things for me. 

We’ve had one of the best years of our marriage, not just because I’ve been working on being a better boyfriend, but maybe she is also working on being a better girlfriend, and that’s the Damm truth.